Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
