jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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