yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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