he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.