I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf