Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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