96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
