I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
