My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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