the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
