I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
