He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
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I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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