Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
