When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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