I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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