I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
