I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I need a beard to bite.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
