At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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