She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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