I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
