I wish I could teleport
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize