just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
