Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
