dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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