Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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