apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
