So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
