I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
