Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
