Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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