I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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