Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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