my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Randomize
