apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
