6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
