I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
