I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
