So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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