So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
