I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
