So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
