i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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