Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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