4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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