this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
