I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
