Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
