i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
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Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
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That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize