Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I currently don't understand fingers.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize