Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
