my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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