apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Too much gin, very little bucket
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
is that a dick in a sweater?
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