after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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