The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
