He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
