either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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